I work for XYZ Corporation and I am A Sales Manager.
Thank you for your inquiry for our product RL this time.
We have 10 years history of the sales for this product.. And we have not
received any claim from our guests at all.
We plan to sell the double amounts between this year and last year thanks
to customers' absolute trust.
And I put the price list and estimation in the e-mail and please kindly check them.
And I will visit U.S.A. on my business trip at 2008 year October 27. And
I would like to see you then.
Please reply to this e-mail as soon as possible.
See you !
To : ABC Co.. Ltd. Buying
Department
●購買→買う→Buyという直訳ミス
Mr. Phelps
●Dear(親愛なる)が抜けて冷たい感じ
I work for XYZ Corporaton and I am A Sales Manager.
●会社名を先に述べていて、自己紹介になっていない。名前+役職では不自然
Thank you for your inquiry for our product RL this time.
●製品名が何なのかパッと見てわからない。
We have
10 years history
of the sales for this product.. And we have not received any
claim
from our guests at all.
●"10年の販売実績”をHistory(歴史)と直訳するのは適切でない。
●クレーム(Claim)は和製英語
We
plan to
sell the
double
amounts between this year and last year thanks to customers' absolute trust.
●plan to〜=予定を表すが、見込みというニュアンスは伝わらない。
●2倍=doubleというのは安直すぎる。
●また、こちらから一方的に売れ筋であるとアピールしている印象。
And I
put
the price list and estimation
in
the e-mail and please kindly check them.
●put〜in=同封すると表現しない。
And
I will visit U.S.A. on my business trip at 2008 year October 27. And I
would like to see you then.
●こちらの一方的な予定を伝えており、相手の都合を気に留めてない印象を与えてしまう。
●前文からAndが続いており、不自然な文の繋がり。
Please reply to this e-mail as soon as possible.
●高圧的にすぐさま返事をもらいたいという印象。